Monday 24 September 2018

Dear Diary,

I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could write it all down and suddenly it all made sense. But, I can't. There's something wrong with me inside, and I can't put my finger on it. There's this nagging thing that's making me feel irritable and angry. It's caused by more than one thing, and more than one person. It's the little things and sometimes it's that one thing, that can determine my mood for the next 48 hours. It could be jealousy, or maybe it's the feeling of being forgotten. I haven't quite decided which one of the two it is yet.

I have a strong pet hate for people that love to get under my skin. That love to play with my mind and my emotions. Especially when they know my mental health isn't the best at the moment. They do it for their own entertainment and their own ego boost. It's their thing that gives them a kick of happiness, but not for me. The worst thing of all, is that I let it get to me and I react exactly the way they want me to. And I hate myself for that. It's almost like I'm going to have to train my mind to not respond. To become the ice-queen - the Blair Waldorf in situations. But I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my heart isn't really listening these days.

I get a strong hatred when I'm reminded of a situation I don't particularly like. And the less I think of that topic, the happier I feel inside. However, when it's shoved in my face, it makes me feel angry and uncomfortable. Especially when there's unresolved issues with the matter, and it seems that only you realise this. Well, I'm starting to. Maybe it's my own issue and it's something that's petty and unnecessary. But when you have a gut feeling that there's going to be a goodbye, you can't help but feel angry. Especially when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, because the other person just doesn't care. And that's what breaks my heart.

I'm trying to be numb. Trying not to let it hurt me. But there's the emotional side of me that keeps seeping through, and I just can't stop it. But eventually, the people will beat me. And I'll be a shell of failure. Failure to myself and to the person I want to be. And it's making me count down the days.

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