Monday 24 September 2018

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Dear Diary,

I wish I knew how I felt. I wish I could write it all down and suddenly it all made sense. But, I can't. There's something wrong with me inside, and I can't put my finger on it. There's this nagging thing that's making me feel irritable and angry. It's caused by more than one thing, and more than one person. It's the little things and sometimes it's that one thing, that can determine my mood for the next 48 hours. It could be jealousy, or maybe it's the feeling of being forgotten. I haven't quite decided which one of the two it is yet.

I have a strong pet hate for people that love to get under my skin. That love to play with my mind and my emotions. Especially when they know my mental health isn't the best at the moment. They do it for their own entertainment and their own ego boost. It's their thing that gives them a kick of happiness, but not for me. The worst thing of all, is that I let it get to me and I react exactly the way they want me to. And I hate myself for that. It's almost like I'm going to have to train my mind to not respond. To become the ice-queen - the Blair Waldorf in situations. But I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my heart isn't really listening these days.

I get a strong hatred when I'm reminded of a situation I don't particularly like. And the less I think of that topic, the happier I feel inside. However, when it's shoved in my face, it makes me feel angry and uncomfortable. Especially when there's unresolved issues with the matter, and it seems that only you realise this. Well, I'm starting to. Maybe it's my own issue and it's something that's petty and unnecessary. But when you have a gut feeling that there's going to be a goodbye, you can't help but feel angry. Especially when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, because the other person just doesn't care. And that's what breaks my heart.

I'm trying to be numb. Trying not to let it hurt me. But there's the emotional side of me that keeps seeping through, and I just can't stop it. But eventually, the people will beat me. And I'll be a shell of failure. Failure to myself and to the person I want to be. And it's making me count down the days.
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Spain Travel Diary.

Friday 21 September 2018

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It's official. I'm in grieving mode. All I can think about is Spain, the warm weather and the villa. And I just want to be back. So now it's all about the countdown to Australia. In 2020So instead of wallowing in self-pity, I thought I'd put together a blog post, all about my trip and then I have something to look back on as well. 

The Journey

The journey overall wasn't too bad. We travelled from Leeds to Manchester for the flight. Got lost just before we arrived at the airport (we were supposed to turn right, but went straight on. I knew this was going to happen but just let it, lol). The waiting around was okay, and we only had hand luggage, which meant that we just needed to go straight through to security. We had breakfast, looked around a little bit, and then I think the tiredness hit us all. So after the shortest walk through duty-free ever, we found a lounging area next to our estimated gate. Then when the gate was announced, we queued up and got on the plane. Mine and Phoebe's bags got taken from us and they had to put it under the plane. Annoying, but what can ya do?

I believe the flight took around 2 and a half hours, but with delay, we got there around... 10/11ish. (It’s been at least 2 weeks, I can’t remember what I did yesterday, okay?!) Phoebe and I had to wait for our cases, and then we made our way to the transfer area. We met our van driver around 15 minutes later, whom took us to the car rental place. We got U P G R A D E D ! And the car was insane! Although, being 4 foot 7.5 and getting into this tall-ass car, wasn’t fun. Altogether the car journey was 3 hours. And we got to the villa around 15:30. At this point, I was ready for a nap. But I soildered on.  

The Villa.

Oh my goodness, the villa was heavenly. As you can see from the diagram above, there was a "granny flat" upstairs, which was mine and Phoebe's, and then downstairs was where everyone else slept. It was so spacious and just everything we needed. The pool was FREEZING, however we needed that. (Except first thing on a morning because that was not fun.) It was nice to have a small, private space to ourselves. Which had a a kitchen, an outside balcony area, a bathroom and a double bed. And it was nice when I felt like if I wanted to do something by myself, I had that space that I could kind of escape to. If that makes sense.

However, I would say that a big downfall of having that private space, is also the feeling of being left out. So there would a lot of times where the rest of the fam were making plans downstairs, we weren't always part of them, and we'd get told last minute. Which sometimes sucked. Also, another thing was the feeling of constantly feeling guilty every morning for waking up Phoebe, by opening the door blinds. I'm such a morning person, and knowing that either my brother or sister-in-law was downstairs up with the kids, I just wanted to leave Phoebe to sleep. However, to get out of her way to get there, I was constantly waking her up. (Soz, Feebs).

One of the things that were both good and bad - depending on the day - was how secluded we were. (You’ll see from the vid below), but it was so bad! (But also good. It’s a win-lose situation). The nearest supermarket to us was a 20 minute drive, which to the manager of the villa, decided that was just down the road. However, it was nice to have the privacy for the kids, and for us to just relax without anyone else around. Other than the dogs barking from the villa next door. At literally nothing. Maybe us, who knows...

Holiday Songs.

Obviously, when you’re on holiday there are songs that will iconically become the Holiday Songs. And whenever you hear them post-holiday, it’ll just make you reminisce. In Spain, there were three songs that we could consider our holiday songs:

1. Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B - Girls Like You
2. Marin Morris - The Middle 
3. George Ezra. 

Every time I hear any of the songs now, I just feel sentimental of the good times on the holiday, and takes me back instantly. Sighhhhhh. 

Overall, I found the trip extremely relaxing. It was definitely needed, and came around at just the right time. I am still in my "I Miss Spain" frame of mind. I had some ups and down - mentally - but I really did enjoy having a holiday with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. Sadly I won't be attending the holiday next year, however the rest of the famalam shall be. I also put together a lil video of the holibobs, so enjoy;

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