Learning Self-Love.

Thursday 3 May 2018

As a person that's lived a life filled with insecurity and doubt, I've realised my priorities have been influenced in the wrong direction. I'm at the age where are getting married, starting families or living the single dream. Me? I'm just kind of stuck at a crossroad, a bit unsure which I road I belong in. And then last week, it hit me. I don't belong on either path. Not right now, anyway. That's the problem with being in your twenties; there's so much pressure. 

Everyone around me are either dating or in a relationship, and it's the moment you sit there in your room and ask yourself: when is it my turn? And then at work, it hit me. How can I expect to be in a loving relationship when all I've done all my life is struggle to love myself? And I think it's time to start that process. To sit down and really look at myself. Instead of cringing when I look in the mirror, point out what I like about myself. Because then, who knows? A miracle can happen and I'll actually like myself more. 

This isn't one of those blog posts where I write a full post about my insecurities and then ask for tons of comments of compliments to boost my self-esteem. Definitely not that. That's another thing you should know about me: compliments. I don't really take them well. This is a blog post that's the start of the future. Learning to love myself and learning to accept my flaws and to not care what other people think. 

I'm not going to lie and say that being 4 foot 7.5 is easy. You get looks, you get comments that people think are funny, but really they're offensive to you and they hurt. It fucking sucks, to sum it up. But at the end of the day, this is me and this is who I am. This is exactly how I'm meant to be and basically, I've got to get fucking over it. It's not going to change. I can't become taller overnight, like I used to wish. This is how I was made and you know what? If 9 year olds want to take the piss that they're practically taller than me, then go for it babes. Because I don't give a damn anymore. I'm short! Get over it, hun. I'm strong enough to deal with this.

And as I wrote that, it was like it hit me. Clarity struck me and I was rooting for the character to understand that she's exactly how she's meant to be, but then I realised. It's not a character... it's me. And I need to get it. 

The more I think about it, the more stupid I feel. My family love me exactly how I am. My brother and I are the complete opposites: he's around 6 foot and I'm not even 5 foot. And we still get along and no one really ever... questions it. (I mean I did genuinely believe that I was adopted for a few years, 8 years ago...) But then I realise, my mum and dad aren't exactly the tallest people in the world. My mum's 5 foot 2, and my dad's 5 foot 5.5. So really, the abnormal one in this situation, is actually my older brother. Right?

Another thing that is a thought in my head that constantly niggles me. Something that gets me so agitated, I literally have to force myself to get out of that dark place: my weight. Being short, you're naturally short and stumpy. It's just a thing that happens and unfortunately, I got a Kim K arse that I never wanted nor asked for. And most of my friends have said that they wished they had it. And like I always say; if you wanna switch, that's fine with me.

As a typical female around my age, the things I hate about my body are the following: my stomach, thighs, arms and bum. And I'm trying my best to focus on this. I don't expect this to all disappear overnight. I'm working on exercises to help me fix these issues in a healthy and natural way. And a hella lot of weights. (Jokes, more like HIIT workouts). But I've discovered a quote that I thought once, and I stick by it:
I am a work in process.
And when I go to the gym, with a low mood and no motivation; I remind myself of this. 

However, moving on from fitness (I’m planning on doing a full blog post separately on this. Yes this is turning into a self-love series). Moving back onto the original point of the post: me. How am I expecting someone else to love me; for all my flaws and all my faults, if I can’t even sit there and love myself? Accept my flaws and realise that’s just who I am? I can’t. Which is why I make sure I don’t get close enough to someone, so I don’t get hurt, and ultimately, neither do they.

It’s a working progress, in the gym and outside the gym. But maybe I should start the process of listing one thing that I like about myself daily. Maybe it’ll turn into something where I’ve run out… because I love everything about myself.

And that’s my little post on clarity. It turned into something longer than expected, however I think I needed it. Whilst writing this post, I’ve had a few realisations – a breakthrough if you will. And I’m already feeling like I’m getting closer to the end.

No comments

Post a Comment

Copyright © Brogan Nugent. Blog Design by